God! I still remember it, the day she told me about it. We were seated in Java. The one just opposite Nation Centre. A long courtship had brought us here. Months of me asking, begging, bargaining even threatening. She finally relented to let me take her out. It wasn’t like I was out of options. In truth, I can hold my own when it comes to the ladies. Okay, I might be stretching the truth a bit, but you get the point. Yet, there was something about this girl.
FIGHTING WITH GOD
At first glance, there was nothing particularly special. She had a face that you wouldn’t think twice about. The kind of girl that guys don’t really say hello to. She hardly got necks turning. Then when she opened her mouth…. we were drawn to her in droves. When you sat next to her and just talked, you felt like you were talking to God himself. She was witty, intelligent and goodness, she got sarcasm. Perhaps this should have been warning enough. A girl that drew you in, just by speaking. Someone who could look into your eyes and see your soul. The little things you hid from the world. By smiling get you to talk about why you thought your dad dint love you. Or why you weren’t mama’s favorite kid. Heck, I was ready to swear my whole life to this girl. Then she said it, slowly…. deliberately. Almost like she had decided this decades ago. I was distraught, like why the fuck would you lead me on Julie?
She smiled, that smile that just gently stretches the corners of the mouth. Is that even a smile? Just a simple way of acknowledging my hurt feelings. You are probably wondering why I’m not telling you what said. My English teacher was always going on and on about using suspense. Not that I actually ever listened. In that Java Cafe, with the coffee warm, and the rain drizzling outside. She told me about her dream of becoming a nun. To promise her life to all that is good and holy. In that moment, I knew I would be locked in an eternal war with her God.
Too bad they don’t prepare you for this shit. You know the way all Disney movies end with the guy ending up with the chic…that’s shit! I put up the fight of my life. All to convince her that maybe that “nun” thing really was a passing fad. We went to every fun, urban event I could find. The Korogas, blankets and even threw in a couple of Jameson live parties. You remember the one Ty Dolla came through? I was there, with my girl in tow. We got down to the raunchiest of music, well I got down while she smiled all through. Almost like she understood what I was doing. When the parties didn’t work, I took her to museums and galleries. Thinking maybe Picasso would speak something into her soul. Perhaps the gentle chimes by Mozart would finally calm the fire this God had lit in her. All the while she prepared for her vows. She even learned Latin in her spare time. Which again should have told me she was serious, coz no one learns a dead language if they plan on living like the rest of us.
I was killing myself, in between work and her. I was losing it. Being interesting that consistently was a lot of work. Side note; girls never get how much work it takes too be funny. I digress. My work began to suffer, my boss dropped hints that I was becoming really expendable. I swear I would have happily lost that job and the next one for that girl. Yet, even in all this madness, I had not even once kissed this girl’s lip. If she had not been religious, I would have sworn I was bewitched or something because she had me sprung. I was bloody from fighting with God. My breath felt forced every day as it brought me closer to losing her for good. You ever tasted blood? The way you can taste death somewhere in the distance. I could feel it, my end coming.
Which is why, I find myself here today. The bishop walking ever nearer. The priests before me taking their vows. Promising to choose God over everything. They went through this scenario multiple times at the seminary. I know every action that will happen as I take my celibacy vows. The bishop will hold the holy sacrament above my head and will me to say it. My vows… My final choice between the world and God. The choice will come easily, but they will never understand. In choosing God, I make my peace with my enemy in love. He took my Julie, maybe in this way. I will finally make my peace with him.
I guess it’s kind of poetic, that in my life I can say, I fought with God… and lost.